Kid's 18th Birthday
by jcrycolr3wradc
Summary: Meh, I don't feel like doing a summary. Here, have these PANIC AT THE DISCO lyrics instead: I'm a scholar and a gentleman And I usually don't fall when I try to stand I lost a bet to a guy in a Chiffon skirt But I make these high heels work I've told you time and time again I'm not as think as you drunk I am. EDIT: Thank you all for making me incredibly aware that it was P@TD.


A/N 1: Whoops. I'm not sorry and I won't apologize.

A/N 2: I'm sorry.

A/N 3: Contains 18 y/os drinking, smoking and doing drugs. Please do not be mad at me.

 _I'm a scholar and a gentleman_

 _And I usually don't fall when I try to stand_

 _I lost a bet to a guy in a Chiffon skirt_

 _But I make these high heels work_

 _I've told you time and time again_

 _I'm not as think as you drunk I am_

~x~x~

Liz and Patti, as his adoptive sisters, had "generously" "volunteered" to plan Kid's eighteenth birthday party. (His quotes, not theirs.)

"Are you positive? I _can_ plan it as I usually do." Kid told them. Liz took him by the shoulders and he noted that he was nearly catching up to her in height.

"Kid. It is your eighteenth birthday. You are not planning it," she threw an arm around Patti. "We are."

"We are gonna get you wasted." Patti grinned.

He smirked at her. "You know my reaper body won't take in any toxins."

Her smile didn't dim. "You don't know what the fuck kind of weed Tsubaki is growing. Or the weird ass absinthe that Jackie has."

"Did you know it was passed onto her from her great-grandmother?" Liz asked energetically.

"Really?" Patti turned to him. "See Kid, we're gonna get you flat on your ass."

He turned around and started walking upstairs to his room. "Oh we'll see."

X~x~x~x~X

But first they had to get Kid's birthday present.

Which is why Liz had snuck Patti out of the Gallows, bribed Soul to make sure Maka was far, far away and doing something that would take hours and taken Crona out of their room at DWMA.

Liz plied them all with coffee, a skinny tall vanilla latte for her, a frozen mocha chip with espresso for Patti and a plain black coffee with about three tablespoons of sugar dumped in it for Crona.

Then they hit the mall.

She wasn't a fool, she had known about Kid's crush on Crona for a while but Liz was a soft hearted romantic and more than willing to help Kid.

Okay so she also wanted him to maybe get laid and get out of the house and out of her hair and maybe give her a chance to laid as well, but that was beside the point.

She and Patti had a lot of fun playing dress up with Crona. It had been four years since the black blooded meister had joined them and they had gotten taller and Liz had to admit, pretty damn good looking.

Not many people were capable of rocking a black chiffon mini-skirt with a sky blue crop top. Patti had playfully looped a silver tie around their neck too, and that pulled it all together so well that Liz made Crona get that too.

"Okay just one more thing."

Liz peered through the headbands. They had ended up in a bridal shop and her focus was entirely on finding the perfect-

"Ah HA!" She grabbed it down from a shelf. Crona looked at her warily.

"Um, why do you want me to wear this Kid's party?"

Liz just smiled.

X~x~x~x~X

Kid woke up on August eighth feeling no more mature than usual. He made his bed, measured it discovered one side was three centimeters off, remade it, perfectly this time, and brushed his teeth. When he went downstairs Patti was already making pancakes. She turned and saluted him, batter smeared on her cheek.

"Hello birthday boy! How's it feel to be a man?"

He snorted and sat down.

"Same as it did yesterday really." Liz was falling asleep over her coffee but she yawned and and waved to him.

"Happy birthday Kid. Welcome to being an adult."

"Thank you Liz," Kid said dryly, then looked around. Every year the sisters liked to try and surprise him with his birthday gift. This year they must have gotten extra creative with it because there were no obvious lumps or gifts shoved under the table.

"What, no birthday present?" He joked.

Patti set down two plates of pancakes, balancing a third on top of her head. She smiled and winked.

"Oh you'll see Kid. We did good this year."

"Yeah, it has a big white shining bow on it and everything Kid," Liz chimed in.

Patti smirked. "Heh, you'll have fun unwrapping it."

X~x~x~x~X

Kilik slumped his way up to the door, hands in pockets and pouting.

Liz had made him get a babysitter for Fire and Thunder for tonight.

"It's Kid's eighteenth and we are gonna get twisted. Do _not_ bring your underage weapons. Get someone, _anyone_ , to babysit them, Kilik."

But it seemed like half the school had been invited to the party and the other half was teachers.

It was only by chance that he mentioned it to Ms. Marie. When he offered to stay late and clap her erasers he told her his woes of finding someone to look over Fire and Thunder. (Not a euphemism. Kilik had it so bad, he was literally just clapping her erasers.)

"I might end up just not going," he admitted.

"Oh Kilik that would be terrible! You shouldn't miss going to a friend's eighteenth. I remember going to Kami's." Her golden eye twinkled merrily and Kilik nearly swooned. "Or at least I remember getting there. Most of the rest of it is a blur." She gasped and Kilik's knees quaked. "Oh Kilik, why don't I baby sit them for you?"

"You would do that for me, Ms. Marie?" he breathed. She smiled and Kilik swore that he could hear a choir of angels sing.

"Of course Kilik. I'd love to babysit them for you."

Kilik's imagination went into overdrive. He would fake a call from Fire to get out of the party early. He would arrive back at the apartment with his top button undone and jacket slung roguishly over his shoulder. The twins would already be in bed. Ms Marie would be on his futon, watching a movie. She see him and realize how mature he was, coming home to check on his partners, and her of course. She would have her long golden tresses down and slightly curly. They would sit on the couch together and he'd lean in slightly-

"Just drop them off at Patchwork Labs and Stein and I will watch them!"

Kilik's daydream popped like so many bubbles.

"Y-you and Stein?" He stuttered.

"Yes, of course. He does kind of live there." She laughed lightly and it was the tinkling of wind chimes and bells. Then there was the squeaking of wheels on the linoleum floor. Stein slowly slid into the room.

"Franken! We were just talking about having Fire and Thunder over so Kilik could go to Kid's birthday party," Marie said cheerfully. Stein took one look at Kilik's horrified face, and smiled. The light reflected off his glasses.

"We would love to."

So Kilik was a little bit sore about having a wasted opportunity to spend time with his crush. And the fact his crush was going to spend time with her boyfriend instead of him.

When he arrived Liz threw open the door and immediately pushed a bottle of Corona into his hand.

"Have fun!"

He looked down at it and back up at her.

"I don't drink."

X~x~x~x~X

The party was only gearing up when Maka and Soul arrived.

"Hello Maka, Soul." Kid greeted them and looked behind Maka. "Isn't Crona with you?"

Maka shook her head, dangly earrings sparkling.

"They said they needed some time to get ready so Soul and I came on ahead. Happy Birthday Kid!"

"Yeah, how's it feel not to be the baby anymore?" Soul asked with a smirk. Kid shot him a deeply unimpressed look.

"Come in, Kilik and Jackie and Kim are already here."

Kid didn't want to say he was waiting for Crona, but a large part of him wanted to be the first one to see them in his home, so he tried hanging around in his entrance until Liz chased him out.

"Look, Patti is bringing out shots. Go do some and at least _try_ to get drunk won't you?"

Patti had evolved from getting their friends to do shots to full on mixing drinks when Tsubaki and Black Star arrived.

"I brought brownies and cookies!" Tsubaki said stepping inside in a tiny black dress that had Liz drooling.

Kid raised an eyebrow.

"The brownies have sativa, the kind that gets you high, and the cookies have indica, the kind that gets you stoned," she explained. "I grew it myself."

Patti appeared at her elbow like she was summoned.

"You brought enough to share and everything, you absolute goddess."

"Hey! Did someone say God?!" Black Star ran in and picked up Patti, who squealed and wrapped her legs around him, her neon green mini-skirt riding up dangerously.

"Bet your sweet ass I did!"

"If you start having sex on the floor I will shoot you," Kid warned them and broke away. Liz had taken the platters and Tsubaki away to the kitchen and when he walked in they were making out against the oven, Liz with her hands up Tsubaki's dress.

He glared at them.

Wasn't this suppose to be _his_ party?

As more and more people started to arrive Kid started to doubt that Crona was coming at all and that was just depressing. Patti shoved a shot of rum in his hand and he was going refuse until the doorbell rang again.

Liz opened it.

It was Crona.

It was Crona in a shirt that revealed precious inches of tender stomach and brought out the dazzling color of their eyes. But Kid was truly finding religion with the black knee high socks and the short skirt that showed off about eight inches of lean pale thigh. Kid wanted to know what those thighs would feel liked wrapped around his ears. Around their neck was a tie that made Kid want to go over there and grab it and bring Crona down to his height so he could put his tongue in their mouth and get his hands up the back of their shirt. And finally perched on their head, was a large white bow headband.

"Hi Crona! You look great!" Liz said loudly and Kid couldn't tell if it was for effect or if it was because she'd had a too much tequila. Kid turned around, feeling like he was burning up from the heat of his attraction. He looked at the glass in his hand, contemplating.

"You want it now?" Patti asked.

Kid downed the shot in his hand. She smiled.

X~x~x~x~X

Jackie was showing off by blowing fire and lighting Kim's blunts for her. Thomas Sarel and Harvar were dancing, with Sarel acting like a lazer light show. Liz and Tsubaki were playing beer pong, the two of them against Tara and Raven.

Soul was quietly dumping his drink in one of Kid's potted plants.

It wasn't that he didn't like drinking, it was just that he…

Didn't like drinking.

He looked up when he heard Maka's shriek.

"Oh my god Crona! You look amazing! Where did you get that skirt?!" She gushed over her best friend. Crona shook their head, hair wavy in a way that meant Blair and a curling iron had been involved.

Soul slouched deeper against the wall. But then straightened up slightly when he saw Kid enter the room behind Crona, holding what looked like martini. The reaper downed it in one go, looking like a man who was steeling himself for something.

However before Kid could do whatever he was going to, Maka was dragging Crona away to the kitchen.

"Crona, Black Star wants to do a drinking contest! Come on!"

Soul sauntered over to where Kid was standing frozen.

"Nice job," he snickered. Kid graced him with a cold look.

"Oh because you're so good at it, Soul," he snapped.

Soul glared. Kid grabbed a beer out of one of the coolers and opened it.

"I thought you said your body was immune to toxins?" Soul asked. Kid drained the beer.

"I'm experimenting. I am turning eighteen after all."

"How's it working out for you?"

"I'm still too sober to talk to Crona."

Soul raised his eyebrow then looked at the kitchen.

"Hey, I've got an idea."

~x~x~

Soul had the worst ideas, Kid decided.

He was sitting at the table with Black Star and Crona, and about a hundred shots in front of them. Rum, vodka, whiskey, and absinthe all cluttered the table.

"Okay, so it goes Black Star, Kid, Crona. After each round you have to wait one minute before taking your next shot. You can drink whatever your poison is, person who drinks the most wins. Ready?"

"No," Crona said honestly.

"Too bad! Go!" Patti said.

"You're gonna end up falling out of your chair Kid! Then you'll see what a real god is made of!" Black Star smirked and downed a shot of rum. Kid rolled his eyes and took one of the vodka.

He wasn't sure what Crona's experience with drinking was, other than the few other times he'd hosted parties. So he raised his eyebrows when they took a shot of the absinthe, and looked at it curiously.

Then they downed it.

Crona shuddered. "That tastes awful!"

Kid smiled slightly. Cute.

Black Star laughed, picking up another shot. "Oh don't worry, the more you drink the better it tastes!"

After three more shots of vodka, two of rum, two of tequila and one of Jackie's absinthe, the room was spinning and Black Star was starting to look a little green.

"I can not be beaten," he slurred, reaching for another shot of Jack. "Imma, Imma g-god among m-mens."

"You're about to fall out of your chair," Crona said helpfully. They were still upright and damn them, looking pretty as ever. Kid hiccuped and took his shot.

Maybe Liz was right. Maybe he could get drunk. Maybe he should stop before he made an ass out of himself at his own birthday party.

Kid watched Crona grimace and throw back a shot of rum then immediately gag when they realized it was spiced. He watched as a strand of pink hair fell across their throat and his whole body went hot.

Or maybe he should keep drinking.

XXXXX

"How the hell are you still standing?" Soul demanded. Black Star was unconscious, 18 shot glasses in front of him, all in disarray.

Kid's neatly stacked pile was higher by 2 but he had given up and was now staring at his hands and blinking slowly.

Crona pushed all of their glasses away as far as possible.

"Ragnarok isn't effected by toxins. Or drugs of any kind. Not even morphine works on me," Crona replied mournfully. "Mother discovered that when she tried to do surgery on me and found out she couldn't put me to sleep."

"So what did she do?" Kilik asked, morbidly. Soul made mad 'do not ask that' waving behind Crona's back. In his experience, asking Crona anything about Medusa led to some of the worst nightmares he'd ever had.

"She used a local numbing agent and strapped me to the table."

Kilik looked horrified as Crona tapped Kid on the shoulder. He looked up and smiled widely, as if just noticing Crona was there.

"Crrrrona! Hi!" He rolled his rs and stared up at Crona like a puppy.

"Kid, are you okay?" They asked kindly.

"I'm-I'm-I'm," Kid looked stumped for a moment then brightened. "I'm a shina- a shiny- a Grim Reaper!"

Crona looked at Soul and Kilik.

"Is he going to be okay?"

Soul could barely contain his laughter. "He'll be fine. Tomorrow he'll wish he wasn't immortal anymore, but he'll be fine." Leaving Crona to try and talk sense to Kid, he wander into the living room which was quickly filling with smoke. Kim was on the couch, blowing smoke rings into Jackie's face. She was pretending to catch them in her mouth, biting at the air. Tsubaki was sitting at the table, looking off distantly. Maka was sitting across from her, oddly quiet.

"Hey Maka, you okay?" he asked. She didn't reply, instead giggling quietly. He looked over at Tsubaki, warning bells going off in his head.

"What's up with her?"

Tsubaki put her chin in her hand.

"See that plate?"

There was an empty plate in front of Maka.

"She brought that over like an hour ago with like six or seven of the brownies I made."

"What?!" Soul yelped and Maka started laughing harder, gasping for breath.

Tsubaki put a hand next to her mouth and stage whispered. "I don't think she knew they were laced with weed."

"Why didn't you stop her?" Soul demanded.

"See this table?" Tsubaki rapped on it. Soul nodded. "Liz is under it."

"So?"

Tsubaki smirked lecherously. "She's eat-"

"OH MY GOD!" Soul leapt away from the table and this was too much for Maka, who keeled over backwards, cackling uncontrollably. She landed with a thump on the ground and rolled over, screaming with mirth.

Crona ran into the living room, looking alarmed.

"Maka!" They kneeled down by their best friend, and looked up at Soul. "What's wrong with her?"

"She's higher than a damn kite right now," he groaned. Crona picked Maka up, wrapping an arm around her waist.

"Well what do we do?'

Tsubaki laughed, her head tilted back and looking up at the ceiling. "Do? They were edibles. Nothing to do until she sleeps it off."

"How exactly am I supposed to get her home then? There's no way I'll be able to keep her on the bike like this." Soul demanded. Liz's voice came from under the table.

"Sh-she can just st-stay herrr fo' the night. Like-like a sleepover!"

Tsubaki lifted the tablecloth, looking under it. "Did I tell you to stop, princess?"

"Sorry mistress."

Soul backed away slowly, eye twitching. "Okay, well I will never be able to erase that from my memory."

He turned around to see Maka tugging on Crona's crop top, nearly down their chest, much to Crona's mortification. Soul wasn't sure if he should help or go get Kid so he could watch.

"Yes Maka, what is it?" Crona was firmly holding their top with one hand and had their other arm around Maka's waist, holding her up effortlessly.

"The world is spinning," Maka whispered. Crona nodded, looking confused. "The world is spinning, and we're on it." She abruptly dropped to the ground and clutched the rug looking terrified, nearly taking Crona down with her. "I'm going to fall off it!"

Before either of them could do anything, Kid stumbled into the living room, looking around blurrily. When he spotted Crona, he broke out into a wide smile and staggered over to them. Staggered, because much to Soul's confusion and amusement, he was wearing a pair of bright pink stilettos that had gold spikes on the heels.

"Crona! L-look!" Kid pointed to his feet. Crona stared at him, looking uneasy. They were still trying to tug the crop top back up to a level of decency.

"Yes?"

"I'm wearing them so we can be e-even. I needed to be the s-same height as you," he hiccupped, staring at them with a manic gleam in his eyes. Crona tilted their head. Then smiled softly and muttered, "You are so weird," and kissed him.

Soul looked on in shock as Kid flailed around then put his hands on Crona's shoulders. Crona put a firm hand on the back of his head, keeping their mouths pressed together.

It just kept going, and Soul saw Kid's eyes slide shut. Then Crona abruptly let go and Kid went limp, dropping to the floor like a sack of flour.

"D-did you choke him out by kissing him?" Soul stuttered out. Crona looked down mournfully.

"He really needed to go to sleep. It made sense to me."

They stepped over the bodies of their friends, Maka still clutching the rug, and Kid now passed out next to her.

"Guys?" Kilik poked his head out of the kitchen door, dragging Black Star by his armpits. "Help?"

"We have enough of our own problems, this one is all yours man," Soul gestured to wreckage of the party.

"What should we do?" Crona asked, stepping around plastic red cups and looking at the empty bottles of liquor. Kilik was still struggling with Black Star and with a sigh of irritation let him drop.

"Dude!" Soul tried to be offended on his best friend's behalf.

"He has a thick skull, he'll be fine."

All three of them looked up as Tsubaki calmly strode in, tugging her skirt down. She was smoking one of Kim's blunts. She took one look at her meister and shook her head, sighing.

"Tell Kid this was a great party. And sorry I threw up in his house plant. See you guys tomorrow." She picked Black Star up in fireman's carry. "Can one of you get the door?" Crona ran ahead and opened the front door for Tsubaki. She walked out into the night, leaving naught but the smell of weed behind her.

"Man." Kilik shook his head. "We are seriously lucky she's on our side." Soul nodded in fervent agreement.

Crona sighed and closed the door. They pushed a hand through their hair and took off the oversized bow they were wearing, huffing.

"Well that's two down, what do we do about the rest of the party?"

Kilik sat down, pouting. "Leave 'em and set all of the clocks in the house to play 'Never gonna give you up' at six am?"

Crona looked horrified while Soul busted up laughing.

"We can't leave them!"

"Oh yes we can. Do you know where I should be right now? Hanging out with Marie and the twins. Where am I? Babysitting my friends!" Kilik said in exasperation.

"Dude. She's old enough to be your mom. And she's dating someone. Give it up."

"Never. True love lives on, man." Kilik placed a hand over his heart.

Crona looked between the two of them, face crumpling in exasperation.

"At least help me get the people who live here up to their beds?" They pleaded.

With a very dramatic sigh Kilik got up. "Ugh, fine. I'll get Liz."

"She should still be under the table," Soul said helpfully.

"Can you go look for Patti?" Crona asked, following Kilik, presumably to go and grab the passed out birthday boy.

Soul did. He looked in all of the bathrooms. York was passed out in one, still clutching a beer bottle. He mutter somthing about red seeds, before rolling over and letting out a loud snore. Then in the bedrooms, which was just creepy. He found Ox asleep out in the garage, legs sticking out from Liz's camaro. Thomas Sarel and Harvar were in the back yard. Raven and Tara were next to the pool. Meme, Tsugumi and Anya were in the attic.

But Patti was gone.

Soul was walking into the living room to report this to Crona, when Maka's hand whipped out and grabbed his ankle. He stumbled and nearly avoided tripping. He looked up for assistance but Crona was already holding Kid in a bridal carry. He seemed to have gotten over being kissed unconscious and was staring up at Crona.

"Is this real life?" he asked in a carrying whisper, reaching up to touch Crona's face. They batted him away.

"What's the hold up?" Soul asked.

Kilik looked up, blushing. "Um, she's kind of half naked. And uh, wearing a leash."

"It's trapped under the table leg," Crona added.

Soul tried removing Maka's grasp again but she was hanging on like a tiger.

"Well then put Kid down and help Kilik."

Crona shook their head. "I can't, everytime I try…" They mimicked like they were going to lay Kid down on a couch and he started emitting a loud whining noise.

Soul sighed. "You know, the worst part about this is the fact I didn't think to bring a camera."

XXXXXX

Between the three of them they finally got Liz out from under the table and Kilik helped her upstairs to her room. It took far longer for Crona to get Kid to go to bed and when they came out of his room, a grey blush was on their face.

"Did you have to kiss him into unconscious again?" Soul was still stuck in the living room since Maka was hanging onto his legs now.

Crona maintained a dignified silence and instead crouched down next to Maka.

"Maka, can you let go? We need to get you into a bed, sweetheart."

Maka feverently shook her head, rubbing her face on Soul's jeans. "Can't let go. I'll fall off the earth. It's sp-spinning." She looked up at Soul, eyes wide. "You'd catch me, r-right Soul?"

"Um, yeah. Of course Maka."

She smiled happily. Crona sat back, thinking.

"Well if you're under the covers you can't fall off right?" They asked cautiously.

Maka glared at them. "That's not how gravity works, Crona!"

Crona sighed, becoming less amused by their best friend's antics by the moment. "Well then what if Soul offered to hold you so you don't fall off?"

"What?" he hissed, already feeling a blush start on his cheeks. Maka stared at Crona, then up at Soul.

"You'd do that for me Soul?"

Crona nodded vigorously. "She has to go to sleep," they mouthed at him.

Soul swallowed dryly and nodded. "Sure Maka. I'll make sure you don't fall off the earth."

She let go of his legs and grabbed for his hand. When Soul pulled her up, in a feat of agility someone who had consumed seven pot brownies should not have been able to do, she leapt into his arms. Soul's face erupted red.

"Good luck," Crona said in a sotto voice as he passed them. He glared. They always just had to have the last word.

XXXXXX

Kilik collapsed into one of the kitchen chairs. Crona was already sitting, head on their arms.

He looked around.

"Where's Soul?"

Crona mumbled something.

"What?"

"...bed with Maka."

He sat back, stunned. "Well I'll be damned. He finally found the balls to-"

Crona shot up, waving frantically. "Not like that!'

Kilik slumped. "Damn. Guess the bet's still on."

Crona made a loud disparaging noise and dropped their head back onto their arms. Kilik yawned and looked at his phone.

3:17 am looked him in the face and Kilik blinked.

"Fuck. It's too late to try and walk home now. I'll crash down in the basement. I think Liz has some futon or something set up down there." He rubbed his eyes and managed to smear fingerprints on his glasses. "What are you going to do, Crona?"

They looked up at him, large soulful eyes soft.

"Clean."

"What, now?"

They nodded and sighed, lifting their head off the table. "Yes. If we leave it, Kid will be upset in the morning, and I don't like it when he's upset."

Killik grinned. "Pretty sure it's his natural state, Crona."

They looked at him sharply. "It's not! He can be really n-nice sometimes. And it just shows he cares about things."

Killik rolled his eyes skyward. "Only my crush is unrequited, really?" he asked the ceiling. He was pretty sure somewhere he heard Death chuckling. He sighed.

"Do as you will Crona."

They'd already gotten off the stool and was rummaging under the sink for trash bags. Their skirt had risen to a dangerously high level. Killik tilted his head.

From this angle, he could kind of see what Kid was talking about.

Crona really _did_ have 'a posterior that was cosmic in design' and 'legs that go on into a blissful eternity'. (Kid's words in the bathroom when the others tried to suss out why _Crona_ of all living things. Killik was pretty sure there had been other things too, like their soul and how they brought a perfect balance to him and blah blah blah. Kid loved to talk about his crush. Almost as much as he liked to talk about symmetry.)

Crona straightened up, a determined look in their eyes. "I'll be quiet. Sleep well Killik."

XXXXX

Kid opened his eyes and immediately wished he hadn't.

His head pounded, fit to split open and the world spun. He blinked twice before realizing that if he didn't move right now, he was going to throw up in bed.

Rolling over and clapping a hand to his mouth, Kid dropped out of bed and quickly scuttled into his bathroom, before throwing his arms around the toilet and letting go.

Being ill seemed to go on forever, and by the time he was done, Kid was ready to go back to sleep. However he made himself stand and shakily walk over to the mirror.

The reflection showed something that would have driven him into hysterics only a few years ago. Now it made him shudder and cringe away from the sight but he didn't put his fist through the glass, which was an improvement.

His eyes were heavily shadowed and his black and white hair stood straight up on one side. He looked like he come back from being chewed on by something that drooled continuously. Kid groaned and dropped his head to his hands.

The last thing he could remember was the drinking contest. Then for some reason thinking he really really needed Liz's stilettos. Then finding Crona and…

Oh.

Oh no.

Had he actually kissed Crona wearing women's shoes and being black out drunk on his birthday?

Oh dear Father, please just let him die and have his existence wiped from the earth.

Kid stewed in his own pity for a long moment, staring sullenly at his reflection. A knock on his bedroom door brought him out of it. He sighed. It was probably Liz or Patti come to get him and tell him to stop moping alone and come down and eat.

He slouched over to the door, trying to flatten his hair and yanked it open.

"What?" he snapped.

Crona, holding one of the silver platters from the 'good dishes cabinet', yelped and jumped back. They stared at him, silvery blue eyes wide. They held out the platter timidly.

"Um. I made pancakes?"

Was Kid doomed, to be such a fuck up his entire life? He closed his gaping mouth and straightened up. He could feel every single hair that was out of place on his and cursed the day he was created.

"I-You. Yes. Thank you. I didn't mean to snap, I thought you were Liz or Patti-"

"You yell at them in the mornings?" Crona asked, tilting their head to the side.

"No! I just-" Kid stopped.

Crona was smiling. Crona was smiling shyly, with just a hint of teeth biting into their lip. They had been teasing Kid, and he walked right into it.

He grinned, suddenly weightless.

"I was joking, Kid. They sent me up here anyway," Crona explained, their voice soft.

"I know. I'm apologize, anyway. I didn't mean to scare you," he said earnestly. Crona blushed.

"Thank you. Um, here." They held out the platter. Kid took it and set it down on his desk. The room was still spinning slightly and he stumbled, right into Crona. He noticed they were still wearing their outfit from the night before and Kid wasn't sure how long he was going to be able to keep his composure with so much of Crona's bare skin next to his hand.

They caught him effortlessly. He always forgot how strong they were, despite appearances. The two stared at each other for a long moment before Crona let him go. However Kid didn't step away, back to a proper distance.

"Thanks," he said, watching them blink, almost in slow motion.

"You're welcome," they replied, and grabbed his hand. Kid forgot to breathe.

"I never gave you a birthday present, Kid."

"Um," was all he managed to get out before Crona leaned forward and placed their mouth on his.

Unlike the last time when Kid was in the gray zone before passing out drunk, he could feel every detail of this kiss. Crona's lips were insanely soft, and tasted of peppermint. (Their preferred flavor of lip chap. Not that Kid had made a detailed inventory of what Crona liked. That would have been creepy.) They sighed softly and Kid nearly leapt out of his skin when a soft cool tongue brushed against his lips. He opened his mouth to their advances and Crona pulled him closer, hands sliding over his waist. Kid eagerly put his hands up the back of their shirt, fingers brushing against their spine.

Crona was breathing hard by the time they broke. Kid couldn't stop smiling, grinning like a fool against their shoulder.

"Um, happy birthday Kid," they mumbled.

He nodded, beyond words.

"Also, Tsubaki says sorry."

"For what?" he asked dazedly.

"I think she threw up in your house plant."

XXXXX

Liz, having been bribed out of her bathroom by pancakes, was sitting with her head in her hands. Only Patti looked like a semblance of her normal self. (She'd finally turned up at 6 am, bearing grocery bags. Where she'd been, or what she'd been doing, Crona was too scared to ask.)

"I'm a professional imbiber. What do you think I did all those years in New York?" she joked.

Crona had gone up to try and get Kid, and Liz was becoming concerned when they and Kid came downstairs, hand in hand.

Patti wolf whistled and even Liz lifted her head enough to clap feebly.

"Yay! Our birthday gift worked!" Patti fist pumped.

"I was your birthday gift to Kid?" Crona asked.

"Yeah, duh. He's been making these doe eyes at you for months," Patti said. Kid flushed, already trying to deny it.

Crona blushed as well. "Oh. Well. Good." They took his hand, smiling shyly.

Liz groaned theatrically. "You're gonna make me puke again, stop."

Kid wrinkled his nose. "Charming."

From upstairs he could hear the water in one of the guest rooms and looked around, just now realizing there was far more food than even two supernaturally enhanced beings, Liz, and Patti could eat.

"Who else is still here?" He asked, bemused. He hadn't realized his party had become an impromptu sleepover.

Crona counted off on their fingers, "Kilik is waiting for Miss Marie to drop off Fire and Thunder. Kim and Jackie are still asleep. York and Zach already ate and left."

"I kicked Ox out this morning after he set off the Camaro's alarm. Harvard probably didn't kill him and hide the body. Probably," Liz interrupted.

"The three little NOT girls are in the attic, and I think Maka and Soul are getting up right now." Crona finished.

Kid paled. "What...exactly did I miss last night?" he asked hesitantly, suddenly terrified of trying to discover what shape the rest of the mansion was in. He could only guess that his careful planning had been ruined. He shuddered, thinking of his candles, pictures, and neatly arranged vases.

"Oh. Um." Crona's eyes darted from side to side, apparently too nervous to focus. However before they could explain what kind of tomfoolery his classmates had engaged in on his property, Patti interjected.

"Wait, did you say Maka AND Soul? Oh my god, did I win the betting pool?" She raised her fists, ready to celebrate.

Crona frantically flapped their hands at her. "N-no! She just got really high last night and wouldn't get out of the living room unless Soul promised to hold her to the bed."

Patti burst into laughter. "Awesome! Next party," she pointed to her sister, "We tie Soul up and dump his slow ass on her bed. Naked." She grinned savagely. Liz, holding her head, made a thumbs up.

"Okay but cool it Pat. I'm nursing the hangover of century over here."

Kid stared at his partners, horrified. "Is this what you do while I'm not here? Get drunk and plan ways to set people up?" Clearly they weren't training enough.

"Well yeah," Liz said. "Duh."

Before Kid could start yelling at them, Crona laid a gentle hand on the back of his neck and Kid forgot what he was doing.

Steps on the stairs distracted them, and Maka, looking extremely ill, carefully made her way down.

"Not. One. Word," she growled when Patti raised her hand in greeting.

Patti never responded well to threats and her smile sharpened. "So, still super high Maka?" Her voice pitched high and sweet and really loud.

Maka had just made it to the bottom of the stairs and she cursed and made a beeline for the downstairs bathroom, Crona darting after her. Within moments they heard the sounds of gagging. Liz and Kid winced.

"You're cruel," Liz accused her sister.

"Nah, I'm Patti."

Soul made his way down the stairs, hair dripping from his shower.

"Is she sick again?" He asked, concern coloring his voice.

"Yeah. Crona's holding her hair back for her," Liz said. Soul helped himself to the pancakes and bacon.

"Ugh. She always gets the spins when she smokes too much. She kept getting up and accidently walking to the wall cause the room curved on her," Soul yawned, punctuating his exhaustion. He dug into breakfast. "Hey, whoa. Who cooked? This is really good."

"Crona I think. I got back to the house around six and they had spent the night cleaning. I crashed and by the time I woke up, BOOM PANCAKES!"

Kid's mind fizzled out around the word 'cleaning'. Liz raised her eyebrows, impressed.

"Hey hot damn. They cook and clean. You can pick 'em Kid."

Maka, groaning and supported by a disgusted looking Crona, came back in and quickly sat down. Crona placed one slice of plain toast and a cup of very sweet mild coffee in front of her.

Kid watched, eyes dark and pants quickly tightening.

"Be careful eating that Maka, go slow," they advised, ignorant of what they were doing to Kid.

Luckily, before he could embarrass himself anymore, there was rapid knock on the door.

"Hello! Anyone up?" Miss Marie called through the door.

Before anyone could move, Kilik sprinted into the room, ran a hand through his hair and adopted a sauve pose in front of the door.

"Marie, good morning."

Patti snorted into her coffee, and even Kid had a hard time containing himself.

Marie, followed by Stein, walked in and passed the twins to Kilik.

"Happy Birthday Kid!" She greeted him, grinning broadly. Killik visibly wilted behind her back.

"Thank you Miss Marie. It was nice of you to watch Fire and Thunder so Kilik could come."

Kilik glared at him from behind her.

Stein, helping himself to the bacon, crunched on piece and surveyed the room. He gave his screw a quarter turn.

"Your expressions tell me you're very hung over, but the house looks too clean. Did you even party?" He asked bluntly. Crona timidly raised their hand.

"Um. I cleaned."

"Oh. Do you not drink Crona?" Marie asked.

"Oh uh well," Crona's eyes were darting around again, then they stopped and looked off into the middle distance. Presumably listening to something Ragnarok was saying. Then they shrugged their shoulders and got off the chair and went over to the sink. Ducking down, they opened the cabinet and pulled out the bleach.

"What-" Liz started asking but was quickly shushed by Stein.

Crona unscrewed the container and grabbed a glass from the dishwasher. They filled the entire thing with the chemical.

Then, they chugged it.

Kid watched in horrified amazement as Crona drained the the glass and set it back in the sink.

"I-it's not so much that I _don't_ as it is that I _can't,_ " they said timidly. Marie's mouth clicked shut as Stein started to slowly applaud.

"Work of genius. Well done." He grinned and twisted the screw again. "I'll see you all in class tomorrow. Don't show up still hung over. Come on, Marie." Still chuckling, he guided the stunned hammer from the house. Crona sat back down next to Kid.

"You are _amazing_ ," he said breathlessly. Crona giggled.

"Oh stop. It was only bleach."

"Okay, and I'm _done_. I'll see you guys in class, maybe I'll have recovered by then!" Kilik said, backing out the front door quickly.

"Bye," Soul said absently, cold pancakes till speared on his fork.

"You cook, you clean. You even dress symmetrically," Kid sighed, taking Crona's hands. They blushed.

"You know what? I'm out too. There's some things family just doesn't need to be involved in," Liz grabbed her cup and plate and scuttled out to back deck. Patti shrugged and followed.

"I"m with her."

"Can't you see I've been mad for you since we met?" Crona asked, batting their eyes.

"Ugh, boo! Bad pun Crona!" Soul said.

"Ahh, mon amore. J'aime tu adore," Kid kissed their knuckles, clearly lost in his own world.

Maka groaned and clutched her head.

"I'm really happy for you Crona, but I'm about to throw up again," she mumbled before stumbling out of the kitchen again. Soul sighed.

"I'm going to get her home, since the two of you are going to be busy sucking face for a while," he muttered.

Neither Kid or Crona answered, mouths fused and hands quickly starting to wander.

Soul shook his head.

"Hell of birthday party, Kid."

-FIN.

A/N: WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS NEARLY 7K? BREVITY IS THE SOUL OF WIT, BITCH.


End file.
